Reader Mailbag: Christmas Edition

KS wrote in this letter, it’s a long one, but I decided to put the whole thing in, bold is mine for highlights of important area’s. Here it is:

Long story short, I am friends with occasional benefits with this girl I met earlier in the year. I tried to establish a romantic relationship with her early on with all kinds of chumpy slip-ups along the way, the details of which I won’t get in to. Despite my chumpy moves, she would always establish communication first and when hanging out she would SOMETIMES initiate sex, but any time I would initiate it I would be rebuffed. I got tired of this after a couple of months and broke it off with her.

We stopped talking for a few months and then she re-established contact asking if we could be platonic friends. I said sure but the 2nd time we hung again, she initiated sex and we were quickly back to a situation where if I ever initiated sex, I get rebuffed, but of course if she ever initiates it, I jump at the opportunity. I should also add that sometimes she initiates sexual contact but won’t see it all the way through – this is the most frustrating situation. Despite the fact that I get occasional sex out of it, I don’t like the situation because it makes me feel manipulated and I prefer to be in control.

I recently came to the realization that she’s one of these low self-esteem girls that likes to have orbiters/guy friends in her life for validation, some of which she hooks up with (if they are man enough to have expressed sexual desire towards her), some of which are just her puppy-dogs. In fact, MOST of her friends are guys, and she has very few female friends.

After some turmoil in terms of how I feel about this, I have become cool with this situation of not being the only person in her life she has sex with (I am not 100% certain of this, but I’m still pretty damn sure of it). I am definitely not interested in a romantic relationship with her any more, given her self-esteem issues and how she overtly uses her sexuality to manipulate men. However, I would like to change the situation around so she:

- doesn’t have “hand” and the power to decide whether or not we have sex during a particular hang-out session
- is so hot for me that she needs to have sex w/ me every time we hang out (even though I may decide to deny it to her from time to time)

In other words, I want to gain control of the situation and have her eating out of my hand. I would say I am 20% of the way there because she’s always the one initiating contact and asking to hang out – ALWAYS. I definitely challenge her in a lot of ways, including getting very personal about her character flaws and calling her out on her BS, and I think this attracts her to me, but she is still too conscious of the power her sexuality has over me and will wield that power. I have said many, many harsh but truthful things to her about her character and she keeps coming back for more.

One thought that came to mind is pointing out to her that I am aware of how she uses the men in her life for validation, and how little respect I have for this as it shows such a low self-esteem, but I’m not sure if this would help further my goal of gaining sexual control over the situation, which is what I ultimately want. Any help and advice you could give would be appreciated. If you have any questions and need me to elaborate on her, me or the situation, please ask away. Also, don’t know if it’s relevant, but she’s probably around an 8, though she gained a little bit of weight during the months we were apart (only noticeable w/ her clothes off), which maybe brought her down to a 7.5.

So you’re main problem with her having hand with this girl is because you’ve put too much value in her, you’re clearly thinking about it too much, and about her too much, agonizing or at the very least thinking about how to turn this situation so that she’s all yours all the time, or at least eating out of your hand as you put it, your tell of why you want the upper hand is telling, as much as writing this letter to me. The relevance that she’s in 8 or was, is high, because I find most men lose their shit over 8′s and above. I’m actually the opposite, I don’t lose my shit with those girls, it’s completely natural and easy with them, and I never get too attatched or lose my frame with them – I actually find when I have lost my frame, or acted out of character and lost hand, and acted beta, has been on the 6.5′s to 7.5′s range, the reason of course is I beleive they should be easier than an 8 and they’re not always. When I run into a little cutie that’s only a 7, I think, this should be easy, and my game gets a little sloppy, or even when it isn’t, sometimes they either think their an 8 and act like they think an 8 would, or they simply aren’t interested, or their too insecure to think they could be with me; which of course all ends up frustrating me and making me scratch my head. “Wtf? This girls should be dropping to their knees just at my look, I’ve had hotter girls fawn over me than her, what’s her deal?” Some of you of course will say this is just effective girl game, but it really isn’t, because they’re not running it to get me, at times I’ve been completely baffled by it. But enough about me.

I bring this up KS because the whole thing is always relative to your self perceived value to your perception of her value, and make no mistakes about it, all your success with women and people are about Your perception of yours and their value. You put her in this place of desire, of lust, of taking a higher value stand than you, and she knows it, and you know it. She’ll continue to do the same things as long as she stands on that higher… uhm… pedastal. Now I don’t get the vibe that you are completely oneitising this girl, but there is a degree of it in your letter. In order to get hand back you need to do a couple things, and here they are:

Stop trying to get hand. The sheer thought that pops into your head about trying to get hand means you are accepting that you don’t have hand and she holds all the cards, again this is only your perception, and exists as long as you allow it. Toss it out of your head, and move on with the knowledge that you’re in a superior position, it’s her that’s calling you for sex, so you are the one holding what she wants. You obviously would like to have it where you’re calling the shots in regards to this, but let’s be real first, before we get to that. Having a girl call you and then initiate sex is a good thing, allowing you to focus on other things and other girls. The trick to getting her under control is easy, but because of her higher status might be more difficult.

With most guys, an 8 will seem to daunting to run game on because trying to be aloof with her and indifferent would be like ignoring the hard core porn that is on a 50″ hdtv set with full stereo on where three barely legal girls are getting banged by one dude. For most men it’s an effort in futility. But you must not let her looks sway you, it is the most important thing in any relationship with women. Let her actions dictate completely how you feel about her, her hotness comes into play when you want to bone her, and when you feel like checking her out, but has nothing to do with how into her you are, or how infatuated you are with her, just get rid of that crap. You’ve already given up on the romantic aspect, now I’m asking you to give up on the sex aspect, sometimes.

See with a girl like this, the simplest way to get her little hamster spinning is for you to pass on sex once and while. Don’t do it with out seeing her, but when she comes over, just ignore her more than you would, and when she starts to initiate sex, tell her you’re not in the mood. Come up with something else to do, hey let’s watch a flick, that’s a good one, it tells her little hamster, this guy would rather watch a movie then fuck me? And he starts to spin for a rationalization. Then watch a movie you want, with out her input. Do this a few times and you’ll be gold, pony boy. A man who turns down a hot girl for sex is a man who gets tons of sex by hot girls – it ain’t no special thing that she’s an 8, sex ain’t no big deal, you have so much of it, you’re just not in the mood for it right now. You dig?

Girls like this, especially ones like this, will fall for this move hard, however saying no to a girl is one of the paramount tools you have in your game tool belt, this is the way you keep a girls interest in short term flings or long term relationships, as long as you give it to her often on your terms, and rebuff her occassionally when she initiates, you have kept her tip toeing that fine line of insecurity that makes women revolve around you, and not 20 other dudes.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

5 thoughts on “Reader Mailbag: Christmas Edition

  1. You can’t mind-control another human being, and magically ZAP them with your seduction powers, unless you develop those seduction powers by mastering seduction game. The only way you can do this is by seducing lots of different women. You are not a master pickup artist unless you can seduce multiple types of women, and you’ll never learn this without trying lots and succeeding lots.

    In my opinion, the only problem with the scenario presented (the girl that wants to use you as no-strings sex toy) is your attachment to whether she craves your wiener at the times of your choosing. Forget about this. You need to have a roster of women that are sexually available, who you can call for sex when you crave it. Let pre-mentioned girl-toy contact you when she desires, but if the answer from you is occasionally “No, I’m having sex tonight with someone else” then the message will be clear and resounding. Plus, you’ll have regained proprietorship over your own balls.

  2. “sometimes she initiates sexual contact but won’t see it all the way through”

    This is one of the nastiest tricks a woman can pull, and needs to be addressed. Use a version of the watch-a-movie takeaway that donlak suggests above – the next time she does this, don’t show any disappointment or protest at all. Just roll off her with a grunt -hmpf- and go watch a movie* -alone- and don’t engage her. “Door’s that way. Let me know when you’re serious next time.” And if she ever does it again, politely and gently deposit her and her clothes outside your front door, and don’t respond to calls and texts for at least a week or more.

    * A porn flick showing a woman hotter than her?
    * Or for real shits a giggles, send a booty call text while you’re waiting for her to leave. As Siddiqi says in his comment, having a roster of women that you can booty-call is best, but arranging with a buddy (i.e., a remote wingman) to help each other out by faking it when necessary can also work.

  3. Solid words of wisdom as always, Donlak.

    Thanks to “M” and Siddiqi for your input as well.

    Seriously, Donlak, you have a way of concisely but thoroughly explaining “game” or “the attitude” (as Damone from Fast Times at Ridgemont High would call it) that I have not seen anywhere else. I just started reading your blog four days ago and it has caused an irreversible shift in my thinking (a paradigm shift, if you will) that I am already starting to see the benefits of. Merry Christmas – you fucking rock!

    I’ll stop gushing now.

  4. It should be reinforced regularly that when dealing with women, the most powerful in a man’s vocabulary is “no”.

    Judicious use of that word can do much for a man when he must deal with challenging dames.

  5. Fwiw, my thoughts to the emailer:
    If you are with her often enough, find out when her cycle starts and keep track. This may explain her sexual behavior. Also who is leading in bed? If she is, before trying to gain hand in the relationship, first take control in bed. Dominate her more/better. Fuck her brains out like she’s never been fucked before. Try to get her more immersed in the sex, more “into it” than ever before, which often requires you to get into it more also. Sex is the best way to get a woman addicted to you.

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